"It will be OK, God has a plan" says everyone I talk to...

Well! It's time again for The Thursday Post.
This week's topic was chosen by Tracey @ Froggie Knits Like Crazy
Other contributers on the topic can be found here:
Merryland Girl
Desperate Madness

This week's topic: God's Plan For Your Life.
"It's all part of God's plan for you."
I am sure everyone has heard this at some point in your lives, usually when enduring one of life's many trials.
It's almost always said with the best of intentions, but I think that even the most devout don't always believe it. It's hard to imagine that something so awful (death, loss or general misfortune) would ever be part of anyone's plan, let alone "God's Plan".

In 2000, I got married to my first husband. Let me preface this by saying that marriage to this person was a bad decision. We had dated for 2 years and my self-esteem was so low that I thought he was the only one for me.
So wrong.
We were ridiculous, melodramatic and so so so immature. We broke up 4 times during our marriage and even dated other people (I can't imagine now how I *EVER* rationalized that to myself as being OK, when the very idea now makes me sick.)
On more than one occasion, we had divorce papers drawn up.
His family disliked me because they thought I was a gold digger (I wasn't) and I disliked them because they judged my family because they had more money that we did (or so I thought at the time)
Separately, we were good people. Together, we were a train wreck.
He was a nice guy, well-liked and a hard worker. He didn't have much tact and said hurtful things a lot, but I don't think he ever meant it maliciously.
So, in the fall of 2002, we were back together and ready to "play house" as my sister once called it.
After having had unprotected sex for about a year, nothing happened.
I found out that I have poly-cystic ovaries, and that makes getting pregnant difficult.
Not to mention, it made (and continues to make) me feel inadequate as a woman.
No one else in my family had trouble getting pregnant, so everyone always said "God has a plan for you. It will happen when the time is right."
I just wanted to start throwing punches whenever I heard that.
I was impatient, I felt like I had no time to wait for "God's Plan".

So, we decided (I guess I should say "I decided") that we were going to go through fertility treatment. I was poked and prodded, taking pills and getting injections, and internal ultrasounds, the works.
All I wanted in the world was to get pregnant. I didn't care if anyone thought it was a bad idea, because I thought it was a FANTASTIC idea!
On December 21, 2002 I had a procedure called an IUI (intra-uterine insemination)
On Christmas Eve, we told his family what we had done, expecting to hear how excited they were about the possibility of having their first grandchild.
His mom said "Oh. I don't think that is a very good idea."
Well, the procedure failed and when the reproductive endocrinologist suggested we go on injectible fertility drugs, my husband vehemently said "No."
There was no discussion, no nothing. It was all over.
I have it on good authority that his mother told him to put the kabosh on the plan.
I felt horrible and my love for him dwindled until it was down to nothing. We basically lived separate lives, even though we were under the same roof. We didn't split up, but we basically lived like room mates. Anything I ever felt for him was gone. I was so angry that he took away my choice to have a baby. We split up in August of 2005 because I couldn't live my life with someone who made me feel so terrible.
We never got back together, and our divorce was final in early 2007.

Even though I was so angry and resentful that I didn't get pregnant, I count my blessings today that I am not linked to him for the rest of my life.
Our relationship was terrible, I was immature and even though I thought I was ready to start a family - I wasn't able to see the magnitude of the commitment that would have been. Our relationship would have deteriorated whether or not we had a baby, because we had other issues.
I've since learned that babies are not "band-aids" to make a relationship work.
I wasn't able to see the very clear disapproval his family had for me, because I had made poor decisions during our marriage.

Present Day: I am now remarried to an amazing man and finally at a place in my life where I feel I can really be part of something truly wonderful.
We haven't started trying for a family yet, but when we do, it is going to be so much more meaningful and worthwhile because it's something we both want.