Ch-ch-changes!

Alright, I have been thinking all day about this blog.

After my meltdown on Monday and my subsequent Thursday Blog post, I kind of felt like I needed to share what set me off.

First of all, PMS was a strong factor but on Saturday night I heard from an acquaintance that my ex-husband and his wife are expecting a baby.

It sent me reeling.

I have no communication with my ex, it's unnecessary as well as unwanted.

I like it this way.

It has taken me 3 days to really, REALLY understand why hearing that he was having a baby upset me.

Was it because I am still secretly in love with him and wish that it was me that was pregnant by him? OH GOD, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Was it because I wish we had stayed together and had a baby all those years ago? Again, a resounding NO!

After all my crying and wallowing, it came to me: I'm jealous.

I'm jealous because *I* wanted to have a baby first, like it was some unspoken challenge or race.

I secretly felt like they were having a baby to spite me, to furthermore prove how inadequate I am as a woman.

Now, it's laughable. The notion that I even crossed their minds at all is funny. Especially when I imagined it in a spiteful "Ha!" sort of way.

What this has done is actually pretty awesome. It has forced me to really think about my life and what I want from it.

Am I happy? You bet. I love my life, I love my husband and honestly I couldn't be happier.

I can't remember a single time in my life where I have been as content as I am right now.

What is there to be jealous about? That my ex and his wife are ready to start their family? What's my big hurry? There isn't one. I am only 30, and a newlywed. I want to absorb every single moment with Kosta, relish it, because this is the only time in our relationship when we can be completely self-absorbed in just us and I love that.

I love that we aren't rushing into starting a family. We both know that we want to have kids, but are really enjoying our child-free status right now.

So, now that I have clarified that, it brings me to the next order of business.

2011 is when we plan to expand our family. What am I doing to prepare?

Until today? Nothing. I was diagnosed with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) in 2002 and since I haven't been actively trying to get pregnant, I haven't done anything about it.

This is foolish and irresponsible. I treat my body like a dumpster instead of a temple. I have terrible eating habits, I don't exercise, I drink and I smoke (cigarettes).

Ashamedly, I haven't seen my lady doctor in (GASP!) over 2 years. This will change.

This will ALL CHANGE.

Honestly, I am embarrassed about how I treat my body and even more embarrassed that I have the nerve to balk at my "special ed reproductive system" - what have I done to change it? Nothing.

For years, I have hid behind the excuse of not having medical insurance to help with the PCOS.

I always wanted some "magic cure" to be prescribed that would make everything all better and have finally come to the realization that I don't need prescriptions to help me lose weight or feel better.

In my post on Monday, I said that I sometimes feel that I am more deserving of having a baby than others.

WHAT!? I treat my body like a dirty back alley, I am no more deserving than those I have judged.

So, as the title of this post has stated: It's time for some changes.

We're gonna start slow, making little changes along the way.

Today I decided that each evening when I come home from work, the beagle and I are going to go for a walk.

So, when I walked in the door tonight I laced up my gym shoes and clipped on her leash and off we went.

Beagle was not pleased as this deviates from her usual schedule of being curled up on the sofa. We only walked 2 blocks in about 12 minutes, but it's a start.

I've known for years that PCOS sufferers often benefit from adhering to a Low GI (glycemic index) diet, I don't know the particulars of it, but I think it's because PCOS-related obesity is similar to Type II Diabetes. I know that I am hyperinsulinemic and that my liver is insulin resistant, which causes my blood sugar to be spikey all the time because my pancreas is cranking out more insulin. Or something like that.

I found a simple Diabetic Friendly meal plan that I intend to start tomorrow.

Here we go!

PS: You know what else I learned? Thursday night is laundry night for a lot of houses in our neighborhood. It was the best smelling walk I've ever taken :)